I am full of tears as I write this. How can I not be, I think my long relationship with the person I’ve cherished and loved is coming to its end. I’ve felt it for a while now. Everything has changed. And now, I guess, I’m finally getting the answer to the question that’s been hanging around in my head. How can I ever move on from this. Almost two decades of having a relationship with someone is quite hard to throw away, hard to put down and say “hey, it’s through gotta move on”. I really thought he was my soulmate, but I guess, it’s true that there is no such thing as soulmate or happy endings, or fairy tales. Well how can an ending be happy, right? I mean no ending is happy, it’s an end, it may be bittersweet but not happy. But this, what I’m going through is not bittersweet, this is painful. I only have myself to blame, I let it happen, I let it go on, even when from the very beginning I already knew the signs. But I chose to stay and believe. I should have stuck to my first plan -to never be with anyone, to never let myself fall in love. I’m just another fool who fell for love.
…or is it? There are many different ways to really see things, or most may put it in a simple two. Black or white. Good or bad. Right and wrong. But I’d like to look at it as we do in directions. You can’t say there’s the right way or the wrong way. I mean there can be a lot of ways to which we can arrive at a certain destination, can’t we? We can even go round and round or take a long cut as we call it, drive around, or walk around, yet still we get to where we’re going.
I don’t know about you guys but I go through this pace a lot. A time wherein a voice inside me just keeps on telling me that there is more to life than this. It starts with a soft whisper, then I feel something which I don’t really understand or can even explain, certainly not depression and loneliness- but somehow if I’m not careful in assessing myself, I would think that it is. It is more than a shallow sadness or down feeling. Like something needs to be fulfilled. And then this voice just grows louder and louder until it almost seems as if you can hear shouting inside your head,telling you that you must do something about it, and you know deep down inside that you have to start moving- do something, something that you are supposed to do- something that you were meant to do, built to do, something that you were created for. But then again, you’re a prisoner in time. A prisoner, who’s lone role is to wait. Waiting… many people have a lot to say about it, some hate it, even the thought of it, and some try so hard to master it, saying and thinking that to do so is to be whole as a person. In my younger days it is one that would really arouse my temper, I hated even the thought of it, I so loved the idea of life in the fast lane, or now or never, well I was… young. But now I’ve learned to befriend waiting. Yet, still… time comes every now and then, that I feel the need to be productive while waiting. And I don’t even know what in the world I am waiting for. Maybe it is character under fire. The test of ones character. Or maybe it is destiny talking, saying… you have a purpose, find your purpose and fulfill it. Or maybe, it is simply time telling me not to waste TIME. Whatever ever it is… I’d put it into a good use, after all, it kinda drives me crazy a little. I hold on to my faith that God is in CONTROL.
So today… I’d like to end with this….
It’s 3 in the morning, and this is my first try at WordPress blog. So please be gentle with me as you read on. Been quite a while since I last blogged. In just a couple of hours my daughters will wake up to prepare for school. Right now I really don’t know how I feel. I’ve been kinda in the blues lately. Don’t know why that is. Talk about asking yourself for your purpose, being placed here on this planet by God. I often have that. Maybe I am one of those types that always searches for their purpose, the purpose in everything. Well, I do believe that everything has a reason and that is their purpose. I just hope soon my world will turn back to revolving for the right reasons. And my everyday would be again filled with meaning. So i’ll end with this…